Stop Using and Being Used

Do you know someone who keeps getting involved in impossible romantic situations with others?  Or just can't tear themselves away from someone who's 'bad' for them?

Let's look at an obvious example from the news.  In the wake of the Tiger Woods scandal, I can't help wondering about the lure of this man for all of these women who each thought they might be his next wife, implausible as that thought might seem to the rest of us given their... well, cheap self-presentations.   

I picked up Patrick Carnes' The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships (1997, Healh Communications, Inc.) at a national addictions conference this winter, not realizing that Carnes is the psychologist who runs the treatment center at which Tiger was residing at that very moment. Carnes is considered the leading expert on sex addiction in the U.S., and holds trainings here and abroad for mental health professionals wanting to specialize in this area.  He has several books on addictions, recovery and compulsivity.  

Though this is not his latest book, the work exploitive caught my eye.  Tiger's women look like they've been around the block a few times, I thought initially.  Why would they not only allow themselves to be treated in this especially degrading way (invited to perform acts even a prostitute might decline), but assume that this was love between themselves and Tiger?  

On the first point, the fact of being used is often not obvious to the victim for a number of reasons.  For one, the sex addict (the user) has told the victim a compelling story-a bad marriage, unmet needs, lack of appreciation for his important work--and given her lots of flattery and attention.  Particularly for women with a history of abuse/neglect in childhood, this story will feel familiar and be very seductive. They will empathize and/or become codependent with the addict, attempting to rescue him by giving him whatever he craves.  

There is some "nobility" in this, says Carnes, who not only helps the reader see her own role in the exploitation dynamic, but shows how confusing and changeable these roles can be.  Both user and used can experience themselves as helpless victim, angry/defiant victimizer, or bold rescuer at times.  In other words, it may not feel much different to play into someone else's sex addiction than it does to be the sex-addicted player. (That is, unless you are a child, or other dependent, and then a power dynamic comes into play.)

The second point concerns the confusion of addiction with love.  This goes to the central idea of this book that I find most interesting, which is the distinction between seeking intensity versus creating intimacy in relationships.  Carnes provides helpful tables that give the reader a feel for how the intensity of sexual exploitation, with its emotionally charged elements of secrecy, risk, and isolation can create a  high, and a "trauma bond" that can lead to "insane loyalty" in the victim.  Likewise, the addict continues to seek out the high provided by the intense experience, until s/he becomes habituated with this source and seeks out something or someone new.  As Carnes points out, this is not love, but pseudointimacy. Again, those with a history of being subjected to intense negative emotional experiences earlier in life will be particularly vulnerable to such addictions or bonds. 

Intimacy, on the other hand, with its capacity to provide both safety and passion, can only come about through self-knowledge and taking responsibility for one's own happiness or healing from pain.  Learning to be alone--without the abuser in your life as much as is practical--is essential to creating the opportunity for new bonds to form.  Warmth and high intention can then create a healthy bond with another whom you respect.

Carnes presents some examples of mass exploitation (Jim Jones, for one) in which the fear and intimidation levels are of course much higher than they were in the cases of affairs such as Tiger's.  Nonetheless the book's ideas are equally applicable to any exploitation situation that is more subtle and typical--that you might come across among your personal acquaintances, for example. Not only is all of this useful to people in exploitive affairs, but also for a partner left at home, who needs to look at why they may be settling for a partial relationship in place of real intimacy.  

There is far more to Carnes' rich discussion of this subject than I can go into here.  For the therapist or lay reader, Carnes' book is both theoretical and a systematic program with exercises to work through for real change.  The book title link above will take you to Carnes' site, where you can buy the book and look at many of his other recommended resources.   

Comments

[Mavis Humes Baird]

Thanks for a great synopsis of this important book, Elizabeth!

[Elizabeth Buckley]

You're welcome, Mavis. It's always a challenge to sum up a really rich resource, so I appreciate when those in the know tell me I "got it." I post twice a month, so do visit again. Cheers!