Dr. Buckley's Self-Help Book Blog

Meet the Sex, Love, and Romance Addictions

Most therapists I know seem to now have at least a cursory understanding of these addictions, or are rushing to get some training in the subject, because of the scandals that have been in the news the last two years. They are getting to know, in more depth, the inherent addictive qualities--as well as their compulsive manifestations--of sex, love, and romance. Rob Weiss, MSW, a leading trainer in the field, recently tweeted how impressed he was with the expected turnout (in the hundreds) for his recent presentation in Orlando. (I have to believe that, although these addictions are often interrelated with the substance addictions, sex addiction is still a bit more titillating, and therefore more attractive, to a broad range of professionals. Other addictions never attracted so much treatment attention so fast!)  

According to Patrick Carnes, the pioneering theorist of process addictions, these phenomena had been overlooked by most of us until the Clinton White House years. I went to hear him speak in London recently, and he was passionate about how--with our culture now steeped in easy sexuality, fast access to romance via the internet, and unhealthy, dependent love as common as your nearest relative--it behooves us all, as caring professionals and inward-looking laypeople, to be educated and alert to these forces working against our well-being in all spheres of life.

So, where to start in orienting professionals and those seeking help, when it comes to accessible books? A good book elucidating all three of these process addictions is Brenda Schaeffer's Is It Love or Is It Addiction? (2009, Hazelden.) Schaeffer explains how love addiction is about getting power over a love object, romance addiction is about attachment to the emotional rush of being in love, and sex addiction is about the compulsive use of sexuality as a drug, with negative consequences. All three reflect misguided attempts to heal old wounds resulting from childhood neglect and/or abuse.

Schaeffer's book, in my opinion, has a uniquely engaging self-test portion. As in most self-help books, there is a final chapter that is comprised of self-assessments and exercises. The assessments are not all-or-nothing: your current or past relationship may rate 'addictive' or problematic, but likely not problem-free. Thus, you can make subtle distinctions in your ways of functioning with different people in your life that reflect their complexity and relative 'healthiness'. Another strength to Schaeffer's exercises is that they are truly experiential. More than sentence completion, she uses imagery and visualization that call on non-verbal memories to spur creative processing.

So, whether professional or layperson, if you have been tempted to dismiss sex addiction as--as comedian Bill Maher recently put it--"something Dr. Drew made up to explain Andy Dick," perhaps you should take the time to acquaint yourself with what is damaging not just celebrities', but perhaps your own brother's, relationships. If you've always wondered how nice people can slide into stalking, read about love addiction. And if your wife is addicted to romance novels, perhaps you should try to understand the 'high' she is going after, and what it means in the context of your relationship.  These compelling phenomena, like the smartphone, are not going away anytime soon.

This post was  originally published in 2011.

Encountering Sociopathy in Everyday Life

Looking back on my years of practice, it's hard to remember a trauma-resolution case where the impact of an antisocial character in the environment was not an issue somewhere in the client's emotional makeup. Martha Stout's 2005 book The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us (Broadway Books) explores the astonishing variety of ways sociopathy expresses itself in our personal narratives. We take for granted the existence of a bad seed neighbor, the creepy boss, the parasitic ex-spouse. Yet, if we look at the source of our most persistent emotional disturbances, the things we find it hardest to 'get over', it's sometimes the overwhelming experience of the actions of such a person that we observe there. So much evil from one person. Is it possible?

It is.

Much of my reason for using the EMDR approach in my practice is to help people eliminate overpowering, anxiety-provoking, stuck, negative emotion that is the result of having been abused or exploited by someone who does not have a conscience.

In eludicidating the sociopathic character, Stout compares it to a neighbor cat who intimidates even her big Bengal feline. I, too, had a neighbor cat like that once. "Libby" stalked the close perimeter of our house at any hour looking to make eye contact with our unsuspecting indoor cats, Hitchcock-style, through the screen and the glass of any of our windows and doors.   As soon as she had it, she'd jump and splay her body, claws first, into the screen, prompting feline screams of terror. Our cats weren't angry, they were frightened. They were rendered uttterly insecure, in their own locked home.

It's fear that you have to listen to in your own human existence. Your instincts are trying to tell you something. People often repeat disturbing relationships through the lifespan because they have learned to override their instincts about another person. Generally, this is learned early in a traumatic parent-child relationship. The presence of an intimidating and remorseless parent discourages the development of many healthy defenses.

If your find yourself mixed up with the wrong sort of person, remember first that it is hardly likely that you are the first to have experienced them this way. Then, Stout argues, get out. Totally out. Sociopaths don't have to be murderers to do a lot of damage.

Fortunately our cats were relieved of their tormentor after some months. One afternoon, I found myself out on the curb, chatting with our neighbor cat's owner. He offered that he was moving back to his home country in the Middle East, having finished his doctorate here. Libby would be quarantined for some time once she arrived back in her homeland. At first I thought this prison term was justice for our cats. Then I thought of the emotional well-being of her future inmates. It concerned me a little. I blurted out, "Libby's really mean!" I figured even if this offended my neighbor, he was moving soon anyway. The consequences to me would be minimal. He only smiled half-heartedly and scraped the tip of his shoe on the ground thoughtfully. "I know," he said, "she's mean to us, too."

I recommend The Sociopath Next Door to anyone trying to understand what's going on in a persistently negative relationship that causes them fear. Therapists can find it helpful for clients who need to break through naivete about another person in order to make significant life changes.

The Sociopath Next Door is available at Amazon, on Kindle and on iBooks for iPad.