Meet the Sex, Love, and Romance Addictions

Most therapists I know seem to now have at least a cursory understanding of these addictions, or are rushing to get some training in the subject, because of the scandals that have been in the news the last two years. They are getting to know, in more depth, the inherent addictive qualities--as well as their compulsive manifestations--of sex, love, and romance. Rob Weiss, MSW, a leading trainer in the field, recently tweeted how impressed he was with the expected turnout (in the hundreds) for his recent presentation in Orlando. (I have to believe that, although these addictions are often interrelated with the substance addictions, sex addiction is still a bit more titillating, and therefore more attractive, to a broad range of professionals. Other addictions never attracted so much treatment attention so fast!)  

According to Patrick Carnes, the pioneering theorist of process addictions, these phenomena had been overlooked by most of us until the Clinton White House years. I went to hear him speak in London recently, and he was passionate about how--with our culture now steeped in easy sexuality, fast access to romance via the internet, and unhealthy, dependent love as common as your nearest relative--it behooves us all, as caring professionals and inward-looking laypeople, to be educated and alert to these forces working against our well-being in all spheres of life.

So, where to start in orienting professionals and those seeking help, when it comes to accessible books? A good book elucidating all three of these process addictions is Brenda Schaeffer's Is It Love or Is It Addiction? (2009, Hazelden.) Schaeffer explains how love addiction is about getting power over a love object, romance addiction is about attachment to the emotional rush of being in love, and sex addiction is about the compulsive use of sexuality as a drug, with negative consequences. All three reflect misguided attempts to heal old wounds resulting from childhood neglect and/or abuse.

Schaeffer's book, in my opinion, has a uniquely engaging self-test portion. As in most self-help books, there is a final chapter that is comprised of self-assessments and exercises. The assessments are not all-or-nothing: your current or past relationship may rate 'addictive' or problematic, but likely not problem-free. Thus, you can make subtle distinctions in your ways of functioning with different people in your life that reflect their complexity and relative 'healthiness'. Another strength to Schaeffer's exercises is that they are truly experiential. More than sentence completion, she uses imagery and visualization that call on non-verbal memories to spur creative processing.

So, whether professional or layperson, if you have been tempted to dismiss sex addiction as--as comedian Bill Maher recently put it--"something Dr. Drew made up to explain Andy Dick," perhaps you should take the time to acquaint yourself with what is damaging not just celebrities', but perhaps your own brother's, relationships. If you've always wondered how nice people can slide into stalking, read about love addiction. And if your wife is addicted to romance novels, perhaps you should try to understand the 'high' she is going after, and what it means in the context of your relationship.  These compelling phenomena, like the smartphone, are not going away anytime soon.

Comments

[Kebba Button]

Complexity is a vital key to compassionate understanding of others. A person we are dealing with may have more than one process addiction, or a process addiction coupled with a substance addiction of which we are completely unaware. We don't need to decide anyone else's truth. But we are well served by always trying to understand others better, while we interact kindly and as effectively as we can. Thanks for the book recommendation and for raising such important points.

[Shane]

The case about sex addiction has always been complex issue. Those who are not sufferers or doesn't have a relative or a friend undergoing such addiction may not fully understand it. It is therefore imperative that we keep an open mind and an understanding heart.

[Elizabeth Buckley, Ph.D.]

Thanks for your comments, Kebba and Shane. As Rob Weiss points out, relationship addictions are being brought to the attention of experts by the public, not the other way around. Now it is our job to help clarify and heal these issues sensitively so that we can all benefit from the information that's coming before us.

[Shane]

I couldn't agree more!