Looking back on my years of practice, it's hard to remember a trauma-resolution case where the impact of an antisocial character in the environment was not an issue somewhere in the client's emotional makeup. Martha Stout's 2005 book The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us (Broadway Books) explores the astonishing variety of ways sociopathy expresses itself in our personal narratives. We take for granted the existence of a bad seed neighbor, the creepy boss, the parasitic ex-spouse. Yet, if we look at the source of our most persistent emotional disturbances, the things we find it hardest to 'get over', it's sometimes the overwhelming experience of the actions of such a person that we observe there. So much evil from one person. Is it possible?
It is.
Much of my reason for using the EMDR approach in my practice is to help people eliminate overpowering, anxiety-provoking, stuck, negative emotion that is the result of having been abused or exploited by someone who does not have a conscience.
In eludicidating the sociopathic character, Stout compares it to a neighbor cat who intimidates even her big Bengal feline. I, too, had a neighbor cat like that once. "Libby" stalked the close perimeter of our house at any hour looking to make eye contact with our unsuspecting indoor cats, Hitchcock-style, through the screen and the glass of any of our windows and doors. As soon as she had it, she'd jump and splay her body, claws first, into the screen, prompting feline screams of terror. Our cats weren't angry, they were frightened. They were rendered uttterly insecure, in their own locked home.
It's fear that you have to listen to in your own human existence. Your instincts are trying to tell you something. People often repeat disturbing relationships through the lifespan because they have learned to override their instincts about another person. Generally, this is learned early in a traumatic parent-child relationship. The presence of an intimidating and remorseless parent discourages the development of many healthy defenses.
If your find yourself mixed up with the wrong sort of person, remember first that it is hardly likely that you are the first to have experienced them this way. Then, Stout argues, get out. Totally out. Sociopaths don't have to be murderers to do a lot of damage.
Fortunately our cats were relieved of their tormentor after some months. One afternoon, I found myself out on the curb, chatting with our neighbor cat's owner. He offered that he was moving back to his home country in the Middle East, having finished his doctorate here. Libby would be quarantined for some time once she arrived back in her homeland. At first I thought this prison term was justice for our cats. Then I thought of the emotional well-being of her future inmates. It concerned me a little. I blurted out, "Libby's really mean!" I figured even if this offended my neighbor, he was moving soon anyway. The consequences to me would be minimal. He only smiled half-heartedly and scraped the tip of his shoe on the ground thoughtfully. "I know," he said, "she's mean to us, too."
I recommend The Sociopath Next Door to anyone trying to understand what's going on in a persistently negative relationship that causes them fear. Therapists can find it helpful for clients who need to break through naivete about another person in order to make significant life changes.
The Sociopath Next Door is available at Amazon, on Kindle and on iBooks for iPad.
